If you would have told me what my life would look like now a year ago…I would have thought you were crazy. Because one year ago today, on January 15th 2013, I was on a plane to Phoenix, Arizona. Upon arrival, I was picked up and driven to Wickenburg, Arizona where I entered the doors of Rosewood Centers for Eating Disorders for the third time. I was still fighting with my anorexia, heavy with shame and fear, and terrified of recovering. I had lived this way for so long…how was I to know if the other side – health – was better than this? If it was even attainable? I wanted to die.
Here is my journal entry from that day: January 15th
“Back at Rosewood – My head is telling me, yelling, cursing me, ‘You don’t need to be here. You are not that sick. What the hell are you back for?’
To get back on track…mentally it was time. Food is so hard. I don’t want to eat at all. Struggling. I hate my body. I wish it was sicker. I don’t need to be here. God, help me. Quiet the voice. You have given me the opportunity to go back. I don’t know why. But right now just hold me. Help me to know it is going to be OK and that you have a plan. Because right now I want to run. I don’t want to be here. I feel so wrong. Part of me just wants to shrivel up and die. Am I really ready to come into treatment and accept the fact that I can’t continue to attempt to kill myself anymore? Can I truly stay in recovery? I don’t feel it is possible for me…I’ve tried and failed every time. What is going to make this time different? I let my family down. They have had to watch me do this so many times. I have nothing left of myself…Will I ever be anything? God help me.”
What made the difference? Surrender…faith…determination. Rosewood helped support me as I started slowly fighting back for my life. They taught me how to eat again, how to sleep, how to pray, laugh, love, and LIVE. They gave me the tools to open the book of my story and begin on a new page. I am unable to rewrite the past – with all its pain and foibles. But now I have the opportunity to create a story dedicated to God’s saving grace, His mercy, His STRENGTH, and His never ending love. Today I start classes again at U of I, studying Psychology to one day help the world in any way I can by counseling those who suffer. My debt was paid by Rosewood, by ANJ, and by U of I when I couldn’t pay it. And I am forever grateful for God’s endless provision.
Today, I have the best family I could ever ask for, a roof over my head with two amazing roommates, a wonderful church, a man I can’t get enough of…my boyfriend, a job playing with little kids, and amazing friends who have supported me through my journey. Never give up…never surrender to death. Because for all you know your dreams could be a day away. ~Winter G.
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